flutterby awaaaay.

Hey you, if you're even reading this.

it's been six months since my last post, so i wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

Boyfriends seem to be a full time job, and it's almost BAD if i go on facebook or text anybody other than him, i don't mind though.. because if i did i'd only be a hypocrite.

In the last six months my life has changed around dramatically.

No more Maddy, No more boy-friends,

no more college!

No more partys, or pictures.

But it seems everything i'm sacraficing is everything i love.

..i love?

i love him, too.

i cannot win.

i have no motivation,

no inspiration,

nothing.

nothing.

nothing?

what day is it?

a week till i'm 17, thats what.

and for my 17th i get my own flat, not one with the boyfriend..

my own.

do you know how good that feels?

something thats ALL yours, and having left home how independent you become?

no more.. "i'll have to ask my parents if thats okay.."

nuhuh, its all about me now.

YOU DID WHAT?

Anyone remember, C?

Well she brought MY boyfriend, lady gaga tickets for christmas.

wtf.

you can't go and buy MY boyfriend something like that!

HES NOT GOING TO SLEEP WITH YOU AGAIN.

...stupid girl, whos too fat for my clothes.

you broke the button off my shorts, idiot.

On a nice note:...

H: i miss you, its unreal.

when we all started this little world of our own i had no idea i'd meet someone like you, who within seconds of meeting i could laugh at like i've known my whole life. there was no awkwardness with us. and that week you stayed down was brilliant, you know i cried when you got on that bus. come back babe. i still have maddys camera full of pictures of us which i still have no idea where the lead is, and how we ditched a party so i could go make out with my 15 year old affair-er. you mean the world to me, even if you are very small. :')

A: I read your blog.

it made me cry.

i miss you, and how we used to be.

Ginger nut 4 custard cream.

wifey fo' lifey.

R: as much as i act like a dick to you, i don't mean it. i love you really, an awful lot. i watched your and A's video today of you two on the plane. "i miss hannah and jade." it made it hit home how much we've drifted, all of us.

lets change that.

2010 = H+R+A+J.

it'd be nice to fly away sometime,

>

Hi bestfriend, how're you?

long time no see.

you're the only one i wanted, needed to support me.

the only one i expected too.

yet you're the only one who wasn't.

isn't.

won't be.

you've given up you say, on what? us?

that was long gone when you were experiencing your first night of freedom, at glastonbury festival last year. as you were gone with your tongue down my ex's throat in some tent that collapsed on you: i was drunk. the kind of drunk you regret getting, where the more you drink the nicer the vodka tastes. epically the green jelly stuff you slurp'd - that was worth all my money. where did you find me again?

surrounded by middle aged men.

waiting for you, like i promised.

worse night of my life.

..oh and morning.

we're arguing now but i'm not sure if i care anymore,

do we miss it? or was it fun while it lasted?

who knows,

just stop being a dick and stop telling everyone at college about my stuff. its mine, nobody needs to know about the baby or the drugs. why do i bother telling you anything?

i won't from now on.

and you want to know the best thing M?

you told your sister to have ago at me,

but she basically said she liked me better.

gutted on you.

because thats just the rules of feminism,

oh no she didn't? too right she did.

cs+cl = bad romance, and i don't like it not one bit.

i'm not jealous, i'm angry.

i know she's doing it to get back at me for kc, and he's doing it because he knows it pisses me off. i want him out of my life, but she lives next door bringing the fly to the honey trap. he didn't even know about me and kc - but now he walks into the centre of it.

you deny you're in contact, yet while you slept i read your outbox, you dirty liar.

but as i type, i know she's with him.. she checked i was out the flat first. i thought she was just wondering where i was, until kc text me saying how cl was in her room.

play nice now boys, i'm not worth fighting over.

i'm bad but you're worse cs, you don't know how much i had to restrain myself from replying when cl texted you, your phone in my palm. i know it makes kc mad, which it should. but he should be the least of his worry. lucky he doesn't know about the rest; mi, le, gh. slut i am.

i got a taste of my own medicine though, as i lay passed out upon his sheets. intoxicated from hours before, i knew i could hear that clicking of my phone keys.. you deny'd it. yet questioned me about rebounds and my feelings, sober is hard enough but is this truly fair?

i like you alot, but maybe not enough.

kc: "..but i don't regret making the move though.."

jk: "but do you regret going through my phone?"

kc: "shit."

jk: "i'm alot smarter then you think."

cs you can have cl.

as long as you stop putting thoughts in kc's head.

so we're really all to blame, with this dirty text game.

memories, you annoyed -

me so much, when i was trying to break up with you.

you wouldn't get the hint.

you're 19 but sometimes i wonder who acts older me or you?

i know we argued every day, and we were never 'ok'.

but for the first two weeks you made me happier then i'd ever been, you treated me like a princess. + i shared so many things with you i'd never spoken to anyone, but down the line here we are, exactly where i said we'd be; not friends but enemies. the day i tried to break up with you, do you remember? i do.

we'd been arguing all day and finally i forgave you, but i didn't want too. eventually you asked, "is this what you want?" and it took so much guts to tell you the truth, "i'm not sure anymore." finally tumbled out.

you cried.

you called me upstairs, and i refused to sit on your bed. as i watched you hug that blue rabbit with the stupid orange ears you'd won me on our first date, i don't want this anymore cl! not you, you're not the guy i fell for.

so i went downstairs, and sat on the sofa flicked onto one tree hill and zoned out.

40 minutes later you re-appear.

in that checked shirt i made you buy, but it wasn't ironed and you looked a state.

splashed yourself with my favourite cologne of yours,

and put on one of my favourite films..

most girls would die of the sweetness,

but it made me gag.

i didn't want this.

why wouldn't you listen?

and i know you dressed up, hey kid your never live this down..(8)

you made yourself a fool cl.

mmrs, you drive too quickly -

you drove so quickly, cola came out my nose and all over my brand new scarf.

not cool.

but you thought it was cute.

like my dimple, and freckles.

i hate you, and i don't know why.

i don't want you back.

i'm over this.

spread those wings,

hello world; reading my thoughts, my memories.

my lifes not simple, its messy and full of spontaneous moments.

are you sure you're ready to listen?

am i ready to tell?

its time to fly baby bird, to leave the mothers nest.

but i'm already gone; dearest mother of mine.